I’m a pretty reasonable cook I have to say. I should be too, seeing as I did so much of it in school. I don’t really do anything too complicated though……I mean it just takes too much time and there’s only me here at the moment anyway (dogs don’t count….though occasionally I’ll cook something up especially for them if I happen to have some meat that’s a little “iffy”). I do some nice chicken meals though – chicken tikka and sarsaparilla chicken to name but two – and I’m good with cakes, puddings and all kinds of casseroles and stews. There’s one thing though that I CONTINUALLY and CONSISTENTLY screw up! I have a propensity to blow up eggs!!

Yes eggs! Hard boiled eggs to be exact. One of the EASIEST things in the ENTIRE WORLD to cook, and I just blow the LIVING SUITCASE out of them! Any other egg based meal and I’m fine! No problems at all! Hard boiled eggs though…..THAT’S EGGS IN HOT WATER FOLKS! NOT BRAIN SURGERY HERE!…….and I’m a freaking IMBECILE!

Now it’s not that the task is inherently difficult – I mean we all know how to do it right, yeah? It’s just that I put them on the stove with some water and then go back and check on them in three or four hours.

Yes, you heard it. Three or four HOURS!!!!!! By that time of course it’s an ABSOLUTE FREAKING MESS! It’s like a flock of ducks have flown through your kitchen and unloaded whatever crap they had left over, before Satan rises up from below and nukes said deposits to burnt cinders! Once the job’s done well enough he sinks back down to the nether regions of hell till the next time he’s needed. And the smell of it is absolutely PUTRID!

Now this is where I’m doubly dumb! It’s not as though there weren’t any warning signs or anything! No “Mafioso Style shotgun-through-a-pillow” type sounds at all. Ohhh no no no! Those muffled explosions should’ve tipped me off each and every time, but I’ve only just learnt how to recognized those sounds immediately – AFTER ABOUT A DOZEN TIMES!

At first it was just a case of “What’s that??” when they exploded. Not BOTHERING to ACTUALLY CHECK to see why there were strange sounds emanating from the direction of the kitchen. After all it’s probably just one of the dogs, yeah? Maybe a cute little baby possum? Nothing too worrisome anyhow! Before long it’s back to code crunching on the computer or watching TV or whatever it is that I’m doing at the time and everything is forgotten again. That is until I decide to go and make a cup of tea or something. Then it’s a case of “Ohhh, so THAT’S what that sound was?” as I’m scraping bits of burnt egg from the top of the refrigerator and nicely blackened shells from cereal boxes for days afterwards. Man you wouldn’t believe where that stuff gets to sometimes!

Then of course there’s the pot itself! I mean it would’ve been cheaper to just go out and buy another pot rather than spend hours scrubbing it with a scourer, wire brush, electric sander or industrial grinder (Yup, I’ve tried them all!). Non stick surface be damned! Ain’t nothin’ gonna stop that stuff from sticking!

So the answer is simple, you say! Yeah, well simple for YOU maybe? Not for me! I can’t wait the three minutes or so that it takes to cook the damn eggs. I get distracted too easily. Besides, who the heck wants to stand around watching eggs boil for chrissakes?? I sure as hell don’t! No, my solution involves something much more easier and better than that – volume!

After countless egg massacres I’ve found an almost sure-fire way of getting around my problem. Water! Lots and LOTS of water! A HUGE FREAKING POT of water actually! Put THAT on the top of the stove, put your eggs in and then YOU CAN AFFORD to come back in three or four hours with no problems at all! If you time it right you would’ve just boiled the last of the water by the time you return. Ahhh bliss! Everything is good and well again and eggs around the world can breathe easy again!

Of course the only other thing you need to remember is to turn the electricity off on the stove. Yes folks, I once had the stove on low for two whole days before I realized it! I don’t know what the hell I was doing for food in that time but the kitchen was nice and warm though!

Now I just better go and check those eggs before I forget…..

This entry was posted on Monday, June 13th, 2005 at 6:19 pm and is filed under Cooking. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.