I must have been walking through the mall today with a huge “Talk to me. I’ll be your friend” sign emblazoned on my forehead? For some bizarre reason I had three people – all women of later years – basically start whole “relationships” with me and I can’t for the life of me work out why? In each instance it was like no-one had listened to them in decades and they just felt they could “unload” everything on me? Not that I really minded – after all I was doing sweet nothing anyway. I just found it odd. Is there some great need all of a sudden for people to reach out to others? Were these old biddies always like this and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time (or wrong place at the wrong time depending on your stance), or could they spot something in my face which I wasn’t consciously transmitting? Who knows?

The first lady who bailed me up was in the post office. I’d just paid my car registration and was checking out some of the printers and scanners they had for sale when a woman sidles up to me, kinda hermit crab like, and starts talking about how great Windows XP is and how she swaps knitting patterns on the Internet. Erm, BIG DEAL!!!

Now THAT’S what I wanted to say but I didn’t! Instead I listened to her for a while going on and on about…..who the HELL knows actually? My eyes glazed over almost immediately. I mean it’s great and all that she’s on the net and doing stuff she likes with her favorite PC operating system, but when did I put the “PC and IT Consultant” sign on my head, huh??? It’s great that you love knitting, but I know nothing of it? It’s great that you love Windows XP. I like it too, the little I’ve used of it. When I pointed out that I was a Mac user the woman said “Well none of these things would work on your computer” gesturing towards the eight or so printers and scanners. I just smiled and said “Yeah, some of them do” – KNOWING FULL WELL THAT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WOULD WORK PERFECTLY ON MY COMPUTER WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT INSTALLING A FRIGGIN DRIVER! Put THAT in your PC pipe and smoke it! Fortunately she was distracted by something and I was able to say goodbye and bid a hasty retreat.

Next thing I know I’m walking to the supermarket – my “talk to me” sign obviously in plain view – when another woman bails me up and (surprisingly) asks me where the post office is? I gave her directions and then she starts talking politics and how our government needs to look after the people more and how the rich keep getting richer while the poor keep getting poorer. DER!!!! YA DON’T SAY, SHERLOCK???? I basically said that it wasn’t gonna happen – at least not in the foreseeable future – and that we’re on our own….but the good news was that at least we could all have a say at the next election. Of course I must have been saying all of this in a TRULY FASCINATING way as the old woman seemed to actually lose interest in ME!! COOL! Was that ALL it took? I’ll have to remember to just talk COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CRAP without taking a breath the next time someone bails me up like this. Brilliant!

I finally had the chance to mellow out a bit in the supermarket. I actually like supermarket shopping a lot I’d have to say. It’s not as much fun without Amy though, as we tend to work like a well oiled machine when we’re shopping for groceries. Anyhow, I’m making my way through the meat section when I stop at the lamb. The lady in front of me (who later tells me she’s in her 80′s but looks about 20 years younger) turns around and says “I’m sorry, am I in your way?” To which I answer “No, I’m OK” when I really meant “Yeah, can you move your fat ass? I’m losing life here!”

Sensing an opportunity the lady shifts into “attack” mode and starts crapping on about how everything is too expensive nowadays. Likewise, REALLY? I DIDN’T KNOW? I also noted that out of all the expensive meat she was referring to she JUST HAPPENS to pick up the MOST EXPENSIVE of the expensive – lamb! No wonder you have no money left over lady? Even I can’t economically rationalize the buying of lamb nowadays? For a start there’s SOMEONE shafting us consumers up the butt here! I mean with the drought in the outback happening for the past couple of years, the farmers are selling WHOLE LIVE LAMBS for about a dollar each – and we’re paying $16.00 for a piece of lamb about the size of the AVERAGE HUMAN TESTICLE???? I mean WTF????

So over the next five or ten minutes (or however long it was) I learn all about her son and how he hasn’t worked in two years because he was injured at work and now has a lawyer working for him – who doesn’t want any money unless he wins the case, but then wants $3,500 to start legal action?????? – and how he doesn’t even have $5.00 to his name. HUH?????? I’m not exactly sure what the fuck she actually means there? Obviously he wants money or he doesn’t or he does, but it doesn’t matter cause there IS no money, which means that her son can’t get any money cause the lawyer can’t get any money but that doesn’t matter anyway cause the lawyer doesn’t want any money unless he wins, but he can’t win cause the lawyer hasn’t got any money? WHAT THE HELL are you trying to tell me lady????? When did I become your DAMN FINANCIAL ADVISER????

The lady then puts the lamb in her shopping cart with a “I haven’t had meat in six weeks”, to which I was tempted to say “Well hell, I haven’t been blown in almost five months”, before realizing that I would probably have to explain the whole concept of oral sex to this octogenarian of very dubious background. Then again maybe she could’ve taught ME something? Who knows? I mean anything to shut her up for a start!

Ewwwww, I think I just grossed myself out?

So after talking some more shit about how our government needs to look after the people more and how the rich keep getting richer while the poor keep getting poorer, we finally parted ways. I mean thank God! If she’d asked me where the hell the post office was I think I would’ve exploded! I might’ve even started looking for a camera or a film crew hiding around a corner, thinking I was being filmed for Candid Camera or Punk’d or one of those type shows.

I’d have to say though that I generally don’t mind talking to people like this. It makes the day a little more interesting ( and gives me something to write about on the blog) and I’m fairly patient with people. Maybe they sense this and feel confidant about talking? Maybe they were just hot and horny elderly babes looking for a toy boy? Then again they don’t know me from a bar of soap so maybe they just talk crap 24/7 anyway? Yeah, that’s probably it now I think about it?

Now why couldn’t any of these women be in their twenties or thirties and really HOT?

Mmmmmm, then again maybe it’s better that they weren’t?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005 at 10:26 pm and is filed under People Observation. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.