So how can you tell a translator from anyone else in the community? Well, for a start, translators have a fairly even spread of friends from both sexes and people are always going to them for advice on virtually anything, they can strip a car engine AND talk about lipstick colors – often at the same time, they get the best prices on stuff that is both functional AND decorative and they can drink beer and belch, fart and talk football with the boys AND drink cocktails with umbrellas and talk about nylons, love and “sensitive” issues with the gals. Of course this is simplifying things a bit, but you get the picture. A translator can go both ways, but without having to resort to AC/DC – though some might be into that as well….

So what makes a translator so important and useful to people? It’s simple really. A translator truly understands both sexes – and not just in a superficial sense. As you know knowledge is power!

It’s often said that women understand women and men understand men and that women and men don’t understand each other. This is a given and there are people who have made a lot of money by pointing out these similarities and differences to us. People like John Gray for instance. While I could say that his book “Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus” bored me to tears due to it’s simplistic approach and high “DUH” factor, I would also have to confess to only having read a scaled down version of the book so I may have underestimated it somewhat. I can say that he’s on the right trail at least. Women and men are fundamentally different and that’s all there is to it. They actually think differently (though some may argue that men don’t actually “think” at all and there’s some truth to that sometimes. Likewise it’s often said, by the other camp, that women can’t reason properly and are not logical. Like everything else in life the “truth” is somewhere in the middle.)

So a translator helps smooth the transition between what is said and what is actually meant. They can tell you what’s really being said when a guy tells you that you’re “fun to be with”, and can help lessen the blow when you realize that it means “great to sleep with, but leave me alone otherwise”. Likewise they can help teach guys not to try and “solve” a situation when all their partner wants is chocolate, a listener and a cuddle. That’s the true power of a translator.

I’d have to say that in my entire life I have only ever met one translator. Fortunately I’ve learned enough from them over the years to keep me out of “trouble” for the most part. Anything I’m unsure about, my translator is only a phone call away!

I first mentioned her in this post a couple of weeks ago – though back then I thought it was basically the end of the matter. Not so my friends! I’ve since had one call from her – in which I repeated that I was not interested in coupling my cell phone account to my Internet account because I was happy with the way things were – and told her that I was busy so I had to hang up (which I did).

A couple of days later she calls back again and tells me that I seemed “interesting”? Well, thanks for that….but where the hell did THAT come from? I asked her to please repeat what she just said so I could be sure that I heard her right. I DID hear her right but, it turns out, she meant INTERESTED, not INTERESTING!

So she keeps talking AT me – I say “at” because I was busy doing something else on the net while she was talking – and all of a sudden I hear her say all kinds of BULL CRAP LEGAL JARGON because somehow she’s managed to half sign me up to the new scheme using my existing Dodo broadband account details. When she asks me which account I want to use to pay for the new service I tell her “No account. I’m NOT interested!”

I then tell her that if I WERE interested in doing the cell phone thing I would just go to the website and sign up anyway. She said “No no, you can’t do that. If you do that I won’t get a commission and a pay rise and I will not be promoted”

This affects me HOW exactly?? Do I care about that??

Then she says “Ohh, you have a VISA account already with Dodo?” To which I say “Yes, but there’s no money in it at the moment. There’s no need for money in it right now”. This obviously doesn’t convince her as she says “Well how do you pay your Dodo account then?” I reply that the Dodo account isn’t due until the 20th of each month and that it’s NOT HER DAMN BUSINESS ANYWAY!

So the next thing I hear is “Ohh, your VISA has been declined. I’ll try it again….”

WHAT THE HELL??????????

I already said there was NO MONEY IN THE ACCOUNT but you still HACK YOUR WAY IN and get declined – TWICE!

She then has the audacity to say “Can you go to the bank tomorrow and put some money in the account?

UMMMM, HOW ABOUT “NO!”

I make it known to her in no uncertain terms that I’m not very happy with what has just transpired and I abruptly say goodbye and to NOT call again! Then I hang up the phone.

I’m gonna be checking my bank accounts to make sure everything is as it should be. If it’s not there’s gonna be hell to pay!

And if the wacko woman from Dodo calls me again I’m gonna tell her that it’s REALLY gonna knock a hole in her commission and promotion if she gets fired for harassing people on the phone!

Either that or just scream in her ear!

Ohhh yeah, and Tom Cruise is an absolute wanker………and probably has shares in Dodo for that matter!!!

The first lady who bailed me up was in the post office. I’d just paid my car registration and was checking out some of the printers and scanners they had for sale when a woman sidles up to me, kinda hermit crab like, and starts talking about how great Windows XP is and how she swaps knitting patterns on the Internet. Erm, BIG DEAL!!!

Now THAT’S what I wanted to say but I didn’t! Instead I listened to her for a while going on and on about…..who the HELL knows actually? My eyes glazed over almost immediately. I mean it’s great and all that she’s on the net and doing stuff she likes with her favorite PC operating system, but when did I put the “PC and IT Consultant” sign on my head, huh??? It’s great that you love knitting, but I know nothing of it? It’s great that you love Windows XP. I like it too, the little I’ve used of it. When I pointed out that I was a Mac user the woman said “Well none of these things would work on your computer” gesturing towards the eight or so printers and scanners. I just smiled and said “Yeah, some of them do” – KNOWING FULL WELL THAT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WOULD WORK PERFECTLY ON MY COMPUTER WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT INSTALLING A FRIGGIN DRIVER! Put THAT in your PC pipe and smoke it! Fortunately she was distracted by something and I was able to say goodbye and bid a hasty retreat.

Next thing I know I’m walking to the supermarket – my “talk to me” sign obviously in plain view – when another woman bails me up and (surprisingly) asks me where the post office is? I gave her directions and then she starts talking politics and how our government needs to look after the people more and how the rich keep getting richer while the poor keep getting poorer. DER!!!! YA DON’T SAY, SHERLOCK???? I basically said that it wasn’t gonna happen – at least not in the foreseeable future – and that we’re on our own….but the good news was that at least we could all have a say at the next election. Of course I must have been saying all of this in a TRULY FASCINATING way as the old woman seemed to actually lose interest in ME!! COOL! Was that ALL it took? I’ll have to remember to just talk COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CRAP without taking a breath the next time someone bails me up like this. Brilliant!

I finally had the chance to mellow out a bit in the supermarket. I actually like supermarket shopping a lot I’d have to say. It’s not as much fun without Amy though, as we tend to work like a well oiled machine when we’re shopping for groceries. Anyhow, I’m making my way through the meat section when I stop at the lamb. The lady in front of me (who later tells me she’s in her 80′s but looks about 20 years younger) turns around and says “I’m sorry, am I in your way?” To which I answer “No, I’m OK” when I really meant “Yeah, can you move your fat ass? I’m losing life here!”

Sensing an opportunity the lady shifts into “attack” mode and starts crapping on about how everything is too expensive nowadays. Likewise, REALLY? I DIDN’T KNOW? I also noted that out of all the expensive meat she was referring to she JUST HAPPENS to pick up the MOST EXPENSIVE of the expensive – lamb! No wonder you have no money left over lady? Even I can’t economically rationalize the buying of lamb nowadays? For a start there’s SOMEONE shafting us consumers up the butt here! I mean with the drought in the outback happening for the past couple of years, the farmers are selling WHOLE LIVE LAMBS for about a dollar each – and we’re paying $16.00 for a piece of lamb about the size of the AVERAGE HUMAN TESTICLE???? I mean WTF????

So over the next five or ten minutes (or however long it was) I learn all about her son and how he hasn’t worked in two years because he was injured at work and now has a lawyer working for him – who doesn’t want any money unless he wins the case, but then wants $3,500 to start legal action?????? – and how he doesn’t even have $5.00 to his name. HUH?????? I’m not exactly sure what the fuck she actually means there? Obviously he wants money or he doesn’t or he does, but it doesn’t matter cause there IS no money, which means that her son can’t get any money cause the lawyer can’t get any money but that doesn’t matter anyway cause the lawyer doesn’t want any money unless he wins, but he can’t win cause the lawyer hasn’t got any money? WHAT THE HELL are you trying to tell me lady????? When did I become your DAMN FINANCIAL ADVISER????

The lady then puts the lamb in her shopping cart with a “I haven’t had meat in six weeks”, to which I was tempted to say “Well hell, I haven’t been blown in almost five months”, before realizing that I would probably have to explain the whole concept of oral sex to this octogenarian of very dubious background. Then again maybe she could’ve taught ME something? Who knows? I mean anything to shut her up for a start!

Ewwwww, I think I just grossed myself out?

So after talking some more shit about how our government needs to look after the people more and how the rich keep getting richer while the poor keep getting poorer, we finally parted ways. I mean thank God! If she’d asked me where the hell the post office was I think I would’ve exploded! I might’ve even started looking for a camera or a film crew hiding around a corner, thinking I was being filmed for Candid Camera or Punk’d or one of those type shows.

I’d have to say though that I generally don’t mind talking to people like this. It makes the day a little more interesting ( and gives me something to write about on the blog) and I’m fairly patient with people. Maybe they sense this and feel confidant about talking? Maybe they were just hot and horny elderly babes looking for a toy boy? Then again they don’t know me from a bar of soap so maybe they just talk crap 24/7 anyway? Yeah, that’s probably it now I think about it?

Now why couldn’t any of these women be in their twenties or thirties and really HOT?

Mmmmmm, then again maybe it’s better that they weren’t?

My neighbor has serious issues when it comes to the handling of his own dog. I’ve talked about one particular issue here in the past which was quite an event – a somewhat scary one! Since then though I don’t think Goldie, the neighbor’s dog, really goes home at all now….and once more the neighbors don’t seem too fussed by it??? I mean the little bugger DID USED to go back “home” about once a day – around dinner time – but nowadays he doesn’t seem to be too interested in doing that at all now?

The thing that puzzles me the most is if he doesn’t go home to eat, then what the heck DOES he eat? Just my table scraps and the occasional handful of uncooked pasta (henceforth known as “Crunchy Puppy Treats”). The fact that he doesn’t seem to go home at all now just kinda guilts me out a bit when it comes to feeding my own dog, Gus. For the first time in seven years of living here I’m now feeding Goldie and giving him a very small portion of dry dog food every time I feed Gus. It’s like I’ve done the EXACT OPPOSITE of what my neighbor wanted me to do.

Likewise the Neighbor is now doing the exact opposite of what I want him to do! The weird thing is that I have no idea why he’s doing it?

It all started last year sometime when Amy and I were out somewhere. We may have been staying at my parents house for the weekend? I can’t quite remember now? Anyhow, when we came home we pulled into the driveway. I use the term “driveway” quite loosely as it’s nothing more than a deeply rutted hell hole of track leading up the hill to the house. There’s actually two of them in fact – one along the side of the small pine plantation cum forgotten Christmas Tree Farm and one trail leading up through the middle of it. For some reason – either superstition or habit – I use the track that goes through the pines as the “up” trail and the one that goes alongside the pines as the “down” trail.

So we’re about to go up through the pines on our way to the house. I round the bend of the track ready to start the ascent and, lo and behold, there’s a GREAT BIG PILE OF FRIGGIN DIRT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TRACK!! I hit it and the wheels of the car just start spinning cause they can’t get any grip at all. I’m cussing and swearing like a MoFo until eventually they do grab and I’m able to get through the stuff and continue on. Further up the hill there’s another huge TURD DROP of dirt and this time there’s NO FRIGGIN WAY I’m gonna get through it. No way at all!

So then I have to put the car in neutral and carefully roll it right back down to the bottom so that I can then try and get up to the house using the DOWN trail! Thankfully though there wasn’t any piles of dirt on the other track and we were able to get up to the house.

So it left us with three questions – Who, How and Why? What the hell were piles of muddy dirt left in the trail in the first place? Was it the “horsey” people – as in the people who keep their horses on the property and help keep the grass down? That didn’t make much sense at all as I’m not even sure any of them use that track anyway? Nope, the only LOGICAL answers seemed to be either the wood fairies or the neighbors! Well, maybe the wood fairies aren’t that logical now that I think about it. That still leaves the neighbors though!

The next day saw me getting in the car and doing “circles” up and down the two tracks, trying to flatten out and even up the two huge piles of dirt so that we would be able to use the “up” trail again. Of course to do this properly I had to go DOWN the “up” trail and UP the “down” trail until things were relatively flattened out. I mean, hell, using the car was quicker and easier than trying to use shovels and spades and rakes! The scary thing though was that it was raining at the time and the car was only feet away from ending up in one of the trees.

It should be said though that even though I can’t be sure that it was the neighbors who’d left the turds there it seemed like a fair bet. I still don’t really know why though?

OK, so this week IT HAPPENS AGAIN! This time I see it and it IS the neighbour! He’s out there with his truck and a trailer full of topsoil and he’s doing it again. What I want to know is, firstly, WHY and, secondly, WHY THE HELL DO IT WHEN IT’S WINTER AND THE WHOLE TRAIL IS TWO BALLSACK HAIRS AWAY FROM BEING A SLIPPERY SLIDEY SLIMY TRAIL OF DEATH ANYWAY!! I mean SHEESE PEOPLE! Think!

The thing is that both of the trails are so deeply rutted and screwed up that a lot of the dirt will just wash down with the first rain anyway? If it’s his intention to fix MY DRIVEWAY????? then why not do the job properly, instead of the half-assed job that he did do? I mean flatten it out for instance….There’s a suggestion!

I’m not gonna go over there and ask why he did it cause the guy is a psychopath! I’ll just get out in the car over the next day or so and do my best to try and “steam roller” the track back down so that it can at least be useful. Sheese!! I mean first he’s telling me off for NOT throwing rocks at HIS dog and now he’s DECIDED that he’s JUST GOT TO fix my driveway for me? What the hell??????

Stupid DUMBASS!