Year’s and years ago now – back when I used to look like this – I helped “organize” a bucks party for a friend of mine, Enzo. Now while it wasn’t quite like “Bachelor Party” (classic 80′s film featuring a very young Tom Hanks) it wasn’t far from it. For instance no animals, to my knowledge, were killed during the making of our bucks party and there weren’t quite as many women involved. It was certainly clear to see that I had obviously become quite enamored by the film though, and had decided to act out several of the cast roles during the course of the bucks night. Some I remember clearly, some I remember vaguely, others I was told about afterwards…

Everything started off quite normal – people who were invited turned up (pretty important really), alcohol was free flowing and in abundance (also necessary), videos were lined up and ready to go, the “entertainment” had been booked and the venue was in walking distance from my home. Looking back on it I’d have to say that while quite “normal” it was also a recipe for disaster!

I knew the night was going to be a little different when my girlfriend at the time told me “You’re allowed to sleep with the hooker as long as you clean yourself up afterwards”, or something along those lines. I remember thinking “Now that’s a bit odd”, but seeing as my girlfriend had discovered my stash of vintage Scotch whiskey and had tucked into it a bit early I figured it probably wasn’t that odd after all? Anyhow, I bid farewell to my increasingly inebriated wench and set off for the party. A friend of mine – who wasn’t going to drink all night – picked myself and my brother up and drove us to the scene of a future crime.

Now I have to add at this time that I am usually the “designated driver” on these sorts of occasions. Normally I don’t drink at all – save for a few times a year. When I do DRINK…..as in GET DRUNK, it’s just not a good thing…..at…..all…..

Anyhow, when we arrived it was fairly damn boring. It was a bit too early and not much was happening. The brother of a friend of mine, Terry, who lived with Enzo decided to put some videos in the machine to liven things up a bit. Now I have to admit that I become a bit of a “rabbit in the headlights” when it comes to porn. It seems to have a “power” over me which I can’t explain and sometimes get a little concerned about. Even though it’s a case of “seen one, seen them all” I’m kinda of the opinion that I do indeed want to SEE THEM ALL. It’s a little disturbing and my mother doesn’t understand it (yup, we talk about virtually EVERYTHING at my parents house) but there ya go! Of course I feel that one benefit from all of this is that it has taught me to be more “patient” when it comes to certain activities (which I won’t dwell upon at this stage…..probably never actually).

So I started drinking…..vodka and Scotch mainly….with a little rum for good measure. Not together of course, but alternating the three. After a very short while it was becoming apparent that my senses started to dull. Drinking does that to you. My judgement was also becoming impaired as I was starting to act the ass and become the life of the party. I LOVE an audience!

At some stage during the early evening one of the guests arrived and had brought their girlfriend along to the party as well. Now it became apparent that he had not realized that it was a bucks party and had brought his girlfriend thinking that it was “just another party”. When you’re young and most of your friends are musicians this tends to happen a lot. Instead of “fixing up” the situation though (like perhaps asking his girlfriend if she would like to leave) the guy just blended in to the scene and started drinking himself, leaving his girlfriend wondering what the hell she was in for over the course of the night. One thing’s for sure, she was the only female there that wasn’t “paid for” – which sounds crass, but there ya go! After all it WAS a bucks party people!

Now from here on in things start to get a bit hazy for me, as one would expect. I’m going to have to resort to point form because, basically, that’s all I can remember anyway.

Adrian – my best friend who I’ve written about on numerous occasions – had brought some ethanol with him. He was a chemist type at the Kodak factory so he knew a bit about that sort of stuff. I can’t remember him giving it to Enzo but apparently he did and it had very little effect. Enzo was built like a bear though so maybe he didn’t have enough of it? The problem is that too much of it and you’re, well….dead! Sans life as it were. Fortunately Enzo is still with us (and still married I should add).

At one stage during the porn viewing a very drunk Cam yelled out “This is boring!”, ejected the video tape and smashed it over his head, much to the disappointment of others who said afterward “It was just getting really good!” I can’t identify with that sorta “violence” at all!

Later on during the course of the evening a very drunk Cam – still draped and tangled in video tape from top to toe – drank a whole LITER of vegetable oil, before falling to the ground and getting photographed for someone’s future “shame file”. The results of which can be found if you click on the image above.

When the paid entertainment arrived an equally drunk and oily and tapey Cam had the distinction of COMPLETELY STEALING the show away from the stripper and having the entire audience look at HIM while she was trying to distract them back by hiding various implements about her personage. Now THAT’S something! But to tell you the truth I can’t actually remember this? I only have the testimonies of the people who were there and photographs and videos to go by.

Sometime during the night I fell in dirt, so I was drunk, oily, tapey and muddy – Yum!

Somehow I got back home? I don’t remember how, why, what time or anything! In fact this is where the story ends because I REALLY don’t know what happened after a while.

So I guess the moral of this sorry tale is “If you’re gonna get rat-faced drunk and you wanna know what happens afterwards, for God’s sake get video of it!”

Then again that might not be such a good idea in retrospect!

This entry was posted on Monday, July 18th, 2005 at 9:42 pm and is filed under Friends. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.